A baby is coming: a book to help the big sibling feel included

A baby is on the way, and your big kid knows it: the growing belly, the bedroom conversations, the boxes pulled out from the back of the closet. Even when a child is truly happy, they carry questions they don't always have the words for. Will I still have my place? Here's what we try, no pretensions.

What's going on in their head

For a child between three and nine, a baby is big news with several faces at once: pride, curiosity, sometimes a little jealousy, and often a strong wish to still be “the baby” too. None of that is abnormal. It doesn't mean they don't love the baby. It means they need to know their place is still there.

Why a story helps

A story lets you look at a change from a distance. Your child can watch their character step into the big brother or big sister role, ask their questions through that character, and see that the family has room for everyone. Seeing their own character in the book, with the family around, makes it more concrete than any explanation.

Building the family in the book

In Toupie, your family's cast is built once, then reused for every book. There are four categories: kids, grown-ups (parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles), friends, and pets. For a new-baby book, here's what's useful:

• Your older child as the hero. You pick heroes book by book, and any kid in the cast can be one.
• The baby as a kid in the cast. You can create them from a description, or from a photo of your own child. Age is one of the details asked for, and you can update it later.
• The grown-ups in the family. The parents, a grandparent coming to help, everyone can be in it.
• The family pet, if you have one. They often play a great part in a story about a growing family.

Your child's friends are added by description only, never by photo. That's our line: we don't accept photos of children who aren't yours. For what we do with your child's photos, our post on where your child's photos go answers in detail: they are never kept after the character is created.

Writing the story idea

1. Describe the situation in a sentence or two: “Lea is becoming a big sister. She's a little worried about losing her place, then discovers she's the only one who knows the lullaby that calms the baby.”
2. Give the older child a concrete, rewarding role: picking the baby's stuffed animal, showing their favourite toys, being the one who makes the baby laugh.
3. Leave room for a bit of jealousy. A character who says “Sometimes it's tiring” is more believable than one who's always thrilled.
4. Read the text before moving on to the drawings, and edit anything that doesn't sound like your child. You know them better than anyone.

If you want help phrasing the idea, our post on how to write a story idea has concrete tips.

Before the birth, and after

A book made before the birth tells what your child imagines: the baby arriving, what they'll do together later. A book made afterward can tell the real sequel: coming home, the first time they held the baby. You don't have to pick. Since the cast is already set up, a second book doesn't start from scratch.

A few small gestures that go well with it

• Set aside a moment for just you and the older child, even a short one, that comes back every day.
• Let them turn the pages and tell you what they see.
• Point out what they do well for the baby, with specific words rather than “good big kid.”
• Accept the moments when they want to go back to being tiny. It passes.

Want to try? The first book is on us, no card: make one tonight. A question? Write to us — a parent on the team will reply for real.

— Charles