First haircut, first dentist: helping your child feel proud of a small fear

A first haircut, a first dentist appointment: for a child of three to five, that's a big deal. An unfamiliar chair, new sounds, someone coming close to their head. There's nothing wrong with being a little scared. What really matters is what your child takes away once it's over. Here's what we try at home, no pretensions.

Fear isn't a problem to fix

The reflex is to say “Oh come on, there's nothing to it!” It comes from a good place, but what your child mostly hears is that their fear is out of place. Try naming it with them instead: “That feels a bit scary, huh? That's okay. Sometimes I get nervous before things too.” A fear that's been acknowledged often weighs less than one that's been hushed.

Rehearse the scene with a story

A story lets you visit a situation without being in it. You can stop on the picture of the chair, ask questions, go back a page. The stories that help most have a small hero who looks like your child, a bit nervous at the start, who goes through it step by step and leaves happy. No grand finale needed: a sticker or a big smile in the mirror is plenty.

With Toupie, you can make one yourself. Pick your child as the hero, describe the situation in a sentence (for example, “his first haircut, a bit nervous at first, happy at the end”), and read the text before going further. You can edit it: you know better than anyone what worries your child — the sound of the scissors, the bright light, having to sit still. For help phrasing the idea, our post on how to write a story idea can help.

On the spot: calm and concrete

1. Walk through what will happen in simple words: “First you sit down, then they put a cape on you, then they cut.”
2. Let your child bring something familiar: a stuffed animal, a blanket, a book.
3. Tell the person looking after them that it's a first. They're used to it, and they'll often go more gently.
4. Stay in your child's line of sight and keep your voice easy. Your calm is contagious, and so is your nervousness.
5. Accept a pause if it gets to be too much. A “let's try again in a few minutes” isn't a failure.

Afterward: name what they did

This is where pride gets built. Skip the “See, that wasn't so bad!” — it can teach a child that their fear was a mistake. Point to what they did instead: “You were nervous, and you stayed in the chair anyway.” It describes what really happened, without exaggerating.

• Retell the scene together at bedtime, in your child's own words.
• Draw the moment, or keep a small keepsake: a lock of hair, a dentist sticker.
• Remind them of it when another first comes up: “Remember the dentist?”

No pressure

If it doesn't go as planned, you haven't failed. Some kids need two or three tries, and that pace is theirs. A story isn't a guaranteed recipe; it's a gentle way of telling your child: “I'm here, and we're doing this together.”

Want to try it with a first of your own? The first book is on us, no card: make one tonight. And for more ideas around a new step, our post on getting your kid ready for a first pairs well with this one. A question? Write to us — a parent on the team will reply for real.

— Charles